My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
