How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
