I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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