Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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