Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
