We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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