remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
