need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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