Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
