so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
