i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
