she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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