I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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