Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I checked into jail on foursquare
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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