My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
