Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
