You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am midnight drunk by noon
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
