Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
