my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A bitchslap is in order.
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