I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
