Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
