her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
