we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
