Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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