apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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