I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
