Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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