after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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