The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
