For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
