Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
