why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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