Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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