How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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