I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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