I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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