dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
