i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
