The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
