i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
