I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
