Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
