My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
