Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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