You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
