it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
