there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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