her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
