Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
