Duck Duck Cougar?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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