You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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