how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
