i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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