i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
