My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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